i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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