He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
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I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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