What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
