so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
