Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
