I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
