yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
