Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
