good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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