It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
