I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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