Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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