Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
