last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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