8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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