here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
