Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
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