Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
