How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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