That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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