Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
This is classic penis vs brain.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
