Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
