just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I would fuck him just for his dog
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
