Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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