So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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