I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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