You smell like a Billy Joel song
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
