this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
