she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My bed smells like the plague
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
