Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It's rum buckets o'clock
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
