youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
