she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
