So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
