I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
