I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
