Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
