Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
