apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
