Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
