So drunk its hurt
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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