I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
