I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We had to coat check the pizza.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
