What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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