i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
