I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
