got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
