great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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