today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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