I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
