My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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