non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
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All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
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I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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