tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
