"it" just moved
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I met the friendliest cop last night
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
