The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
