Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I love you. Go after that dick
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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