Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
