im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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