So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
