So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
