new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
