Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It was confusing and full of hummus
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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