i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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