saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
